Twitter Unveils New “Pay $100” Feature
TECH — At a virtual event held for investors, Twitter founder Jack Dorsey, 44, announced that the social media giant will begin implementing a ‘pay $100’ button on its website that will enable popular accounts to charge for exclusive additional content. “We suck shit, and we need to make more money,” Dorsey began his speech to the excited investor group, immediately souring the mood of the Zoom meeting, “Plus, nobody trusts us. My plan is to make it so that even fewer people trust us, and then eventually I will be allowed to kill myself in the ocean once this whole thing tanks.” The eccentric CEO seemed to be depressed, causing other members of the meeting to change the topic of discussion to the news that Twitter is testing a live audio discussion service as well. “So many other apps already do that,” Dorsey spat at his webcam in between sips of what appeared to be Everclear, a 190-proof grain alcohol that is illegal in 11 states and primarily used for killing germs, “it’s like, what’s the point?” The new ‘pay $100’ feature may mean that major Twitter accounts will start profiting off of their tweets even more than they already do, but it is unlikely that average Twitter users will see any sort of profits. “Normal people are free, and they don’t even know it. Fuck them,” Dorsey whispered ominously as he held a gun to his head and turned off his computer. Investors at the meeting reported that Dorsey’s actions were startling, but not uncommon. Dorsey later tweeted a photo of himself at the beach with a caption telling his followers that he is excited about the future.
