“I injected my urine into my own arm. Now what?”
This is a question I’ve heard countless times since I began writing about health despite my dangerous lack of knowledge potentially being a legal liability.
Obviously, I know some things about health. Everyone does. You’d listen to somebody at your work who does project management or whatever, and that’s not even important. Why not listen to me? A writer (creative) who writes about stuff that is important without getting paid for it.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, injecting urine into your arm sky-rocketed in popularity as a miracle cure for finding literally anything to use against the disease except the approved vaccines. Anti-vaxxers and people who just wanted to inject themselves with piss were both overjoyed by the fact that they were being told by people on podcasts to do what they already wanted to do.
Then, curiosity leaked into the zeitgeist and soaked everyone in it with the truth about pee and the benefits of putting it back into your body.
Sales of syringes increased by 3,889%, even with most people reusing the same syringes for multiple injections. We were making our own vaccine, and it was coming out of our urethras after two Michelob Ultras. Healthcare had never been so affordable.
Live was good, and the tragedy of our situation birthed a new way of living that was way, way, way more fun than not injecting ourselves with pee. Who doesn’t love collecting their urine into a container? Human existence wasn’t only continuing. It was thriving.
But soon, the bubble burst, and piss enthusiasts (freaks) started having unsustainable experiences injecting themselves with that sweet yellow gold.
The following is an excerpt from an IFLScience (I Fucking Love Science) article that I’m not going to link here. You don’t care. Just know I copied and pasted this from an IFLScience article, and we’re good.
I had to edit a couple of grammatical errors in it, too, so I basically did their job for them, and they should be happy I’m posting a better version of the gobbledygook they allow on that godless site. Having the word “fucking” in your title? Get it together, guys.
“A 38-year-old livestock inspector was brought into the emergency room completely unconscious, following two episodes of seizures, his doctors write in The Journal of Global Infectious Diseases. He had no other medical history of note and had not suffered any seizures prior to this episode. In a coma, he was transferred to intensive care and tested to find the cause while doctors tried to fight his sepsis.
‘On day 11, he confessed that he collected his urine in a container and self-injected about 10 milliliters of his urine intravenously to maximize his vitality and potency, as he had developed nausea and vomiting twice after drinking his urine orally,” the team wrote in their report.
‘This might have led to polymicrobial sepsis, toxic encephalopathy [brain dysfunction], and septic shock with multi-organ dysfunction. The psychological assessment did not reveal any abnormalities.’”
Back to me. This is Austin writing again. So, it turns out that injecting waste into your body isn’t a good idea, which is bad news for the many people who have already done it. If you’re currently reading this with an arm full of urine, here are a few things you can do to recover and get rid of the “piss jitters,” as I call them.
1. Stop putting pee in you
This doesn’t mean to stop drinking water to make pee, but it definitely means to stop drinking pee or putting the pee back inside of you to make yourself stronger. You’ve reached your pee limit. Simple as that.
You feel sick, right? Okay. So, stop doing that. It’s like that old doctor joke, which sucks, by the way. Don’t prompt people to make that doctor joke. Stop doing the thing that is causing the problem and wasting everyone’s time.
Plus, this way, you don’t have to keep buying syringes. Do you know how weird it looks to buy syringes when you don’t need them? People are talking, buddy bear.
2. Go to the doctor
I know you don’t like doctors, or you are a “doctor,” and that’s probably why you’ve chosen to go down this route, but I’m going to suggest that you see another doctor. A “real” one.
Some doctors aren’t totally “sold” on the “pee thing” yet, and they may have some valuable insight.
I know you think you’re an outsider on the edge, but now that everyone likes bathing in pee 24/7, these doctors who think pee is bad for you are actually the outsiders now. You love outsiders. So, listen to them.
3. Try the same thing but with feces
Pretty self-explanatory. Just try the same thing but with poop. See what happens. Why not? I’m not going to do it, but I do want to see you do it.
I saw a Jerry Springer episode where somebody was obsessed with cutting their limbs off because they thought they looked weird, but they couldn’t do it or else they would pass out. They tried to get doctors to do it, but even doctors were like, “What, man?” And some doctors love doing weird shit to people. You know that. They were the doctors who told you to inject urine into yourself.
This Springer guest would melt their poop down and put it in a syringe to inject into their limbs so they would get infected and have to be amputated. Doctors kept saving them, though, until they were finally successful. It was torture.
I guess I just told you what will happen if you try, but you’re probably built different, so who knows? Maybe you’ll grow more limbs and get stronger like Goro from Mortal Kombat. That would be fucking sick.
These are just a few (3) things you can do to combat the urine now coursing through your veins where it totally shouldn’t be. Even Bear Grylls would say, “What the hell, mate?”
And you don’t want him to say that to you. He is the guy’s guy.
If the guy’s guy made you feel like a little kid, it would be curtains on your ass. Trust me. You’d be so embarrassed that you would stop posting online for probably eight or nine days.
That being said, I want everyone who is either a health person (like me) or doesn’t know anything about health at all to tell me what they think people should do. Do you have any home remedies for getting rid of the piss jitters? Comment them below!