Which One of These Apartment Neighbors Moved Your Clothes from The Washing Machine to The Dryer?

There’s a mystery afoot! At exactly 9:30 pm, you put your clothes into the only working washing machine that your apartment building provides for you and the other 18 people who live around you. Despite voluntarily soaking your clothes in the fecal matter and urine of your neighbors in a futile attempt to clean your shirts and pants in an 18-year-old machine, you lose track of time and don’t return to your probably now even dirtier clothes until 10:30 pm, roughly 25 minutes after the washing cycle ended.

Once you reenter the generously labeled “laundry room,” you can see that someone else’s laundry is now swirling in the washing machine, and your clothes are sitting in a wet heap in the dryer. Now it’s time to figure out who touched your clothes. It’s a regular who done it?!

Although you cannot open the washing machine during its cycle, you can see that the culprit’s laundry consists of old towels that will definitely still smell bad when they come out.

You turn around and see a laundry basket that was not there an hour ago. Based on the laundry basket and towels, you’re able to narrow it down to four suspects.

1.) The man across the hall who’s lived here for 23 years

This guy’s been here 23 years. Come on. You know he doesn’t play like that. Plus, he told you one time that he uses a special laundry service for his clothes after he gave you the full backstory on “the divorce that brought [him] to this god-forsaken city.” You have seen his laundry basket before, and it does look like that, plus he has a bunch of ratty towels, but you don’t think it’s him. He’s just a single man in his early fifties. His clothes smell like cigarettes, but they don’t smell like feces, mold, urine, AND cigarettes like yours do.

2.) The bubbly woman who just moved into the apartment below yours

What’s her name? She just moved in. You haven’t seen her mail or laundry yet. No way to know what her laundry basket looks like. She laughs too much and talks too fast, so you haven’t had a long enough conversation with her to learn anything about her life either. You think she said she works as a recruiter? That would make sense. Her personality doesn’t necessarily scream “ratty towels” but it could be the perfect cover. Maybe she’s so bubbly and nervous BECAUSE she has ratty towels. Keep an eye on her.

3.) Marcus

Marcus is fine. It’s not Marcus. It would be insane if it was Marcus. Even if it was Marcus, you honestly wouldn’t be mad.

4.) The big guy on the first floor who always looks upset

Okay, this piece of shit is our top suspect. He sits on his fire escape landing and blares classic rock every Friday and Saturday night, but then he has the gall to tell you to turn your electric bass down while you’re practicing Shania Twain covers with five other guys on your only day off. Who does he think he is? He sits outside like he owns a grill, but he doesn’t own a grill, and he probably doesn’t even know how to grill. He’s too lazy to even GRILL. He wore a mask when he came upstairs to tell you to turn your electric bass down too like he was doing you a favor. Even if it’s not this guy, you’ve already added it to the list of reasons why you hate him.

The washing machine is about to wrap up soaking the culprit’s towels in poop and pee. They should be down to check on it at any moment. Let’s hide behind the water heater and wait…

The washer stops, but nobody comes down. Maybe they’re waiting for the dryer to turn off as well. You play Castlevania: Symphony of the Night on your phone. It isn’t a great port of the iconic 2-D game, but it passes the time.

The dryer turns off and you put your phone away. You leave your clothes in the machine and continue waiting behind the water heater. It’s the perfect bait to catch your prey.

You hear someone drop a set of keys behind the door to the laundry room. They pick up the keys. You see the doorknob turn.

They used the wrong key, so they use a different key and try again. This time, it works. The doorknob turns.

The door opens.

Can you guess who it is?

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Marcus walks into the laundry room and sees you sitting behind the water heater. He apologizes for moving your clothes and explains that he needed to wash his towels immediately because they were too smelly. You laugh and say, “It’s all good, Marcus. Sorry I lost track of time,” and take your clothes out of the dryer. He doesn’t even ask why you were crouched behind the water heater. That’s how cool Marcus is. You take your clothes out of the dryer and walk back to your apartment, passing each of the other suspects and muttering harsh observations about them under your breath.

When you arrive at your apartment, you realize that your clothes actually smell good for once. I guess you could say, that’s the Marcus touch.

Comedy Writer