Pictured: Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R) explaining that “anybody can sue anybody for whatever and it’s fine” in the latest effort to turn himself on by inspiring chaos.

UNITED STATES — On the heels of issuing the most restrictive, absurd, and enraging abortion law in the United States, Texas lawmakers have now delivered their final blow against the citizens they are sworn to service.

“With this new law, basically anybody can sue anybody for whatever and it’s fine,” Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R) said in a press conference after the law was passed, “We think it will perfectly fit in with our ‘everybody can have guns no matter what’ law and the awesome new ‘women don’t have a right to their own bodies and we can actually sue…

Pictured: Lana Castillo, talking at length about her stomachache to her friend, Isabella Melody, after already describing her diarrhea and calling Melody’s apartment small.

UNITED STATES — Isabella Melody, 27, was apprehensive to have her “friend” Lana Castillo, 26, as a guest in her new apartment for many reasons, one of which did not become evident until the end of her visit.

“The moment she walked in, she told me that she had spent the whole day pooping diarrhea,” Melody explained to her much closer group of friends in a text thread that was already roughly 35% devoted to speaking poorly of Castillo, “Then she said my apartment was smaller than she thought it would be. Who does this gross bitch think she is?”

There’s a mystery afoot! At exactly 9:30 pm, you put your clothes into the only working washing machine that your apartment building provides for you and the other 18 people who live around you. Despite voluntarily soaking your clothes in the fecal matter and urine of your neighbors in a futile attempt to clean your shirts and pants in an 18-year-old machine, you lose track of time and don’t return to your probably now even dirtier clothes until 10:30 pm, roughly 25 minutes after the washing cycle ended.

Once you reenter the generously labeled “laundry room,” you can see that…

Pictured: Self-titled “doctor” and “rock-star” pastor, Dr. Petey, 60, confidently making churchgoers uncomfortable by acting like a stand-up comic or something.

UNITED STATES — Members of Christ’s Unitarian National Trinity church in Iowa have recently reported that their pastor, who refers to himself as Dr. Petey, has been doing a weird “pastor swagger” thing that “all those rock-star pastors do.”

“He waggles his head and tries to have all this swagger when he talks now like he’s a stand-up comedian or something,” Genevieve Thompson, 40, told local news outlets, “It’s just weird. Like, he’s this lame white guy, but he believes he’s a rock-star at church, and I think it’s because he’s molesting kids. Gives me the creeps. …

Pictured: Cover art for West’s long-awaited Donda, I think, even though there are two other covers, but I guess those aren’t the covers? It’s this one now. It’s a black square. Not the other two covers. Or maybe it’s not. I don’t know. I could only spend about 20 minutes listening to and researching it before I got bored and wanted to watch a 9/11 documentary. Great documentary.

MUSIC — Donda is the tenth studio album released by the multitalented Kanye West, and after a year of delays and listening parties the collection of 27 songs finally became available to fans this weekend, but many listeners believe the hype surrounding it may have grown too high.

“It took like 20 minutes to scrub through,” Denver Michaels, 30, a lifelong Kanye fan, said in a post online, “I don’t think I listened to a full song before I got to the end. Then I watched a 9/11 documentary which was super interesting. Great documentary.”

The messy, overly self-indulgent, and…

Pictured: A wall, completely incapable of holding a painting or plant or anything.

UNITED STATES — Bethany O’Neil, 28, reportedly caused an unbelievable amount of damage to her apartment when she attempted to simply hang up a picture frame. “I couldn’t believe it. I pretty much ripped the whole wall out and I messed up the kitchen table too,” O’Neil told her boyfriend, who confessed that he would have done the same thing, “I got it up, though, which was good.” The young marketing professional used her only day off work this week to frame and hang up a painting. She purchased a picture frame that needed to be altered because it was…

Pictured: A nice structure that will probably be destroyed in a big storm coming up here pretty soon.

UNITED STATES — Donna Sutcliff, 71, has lived in the Midwest her entire life, and although she has plenty more life to live, she plans on staying put because it will be the only inhabitable United States region in the coming decades. “I was right,” Sutcliff told local news doing a story on lifelong Midwesterners, “Everybody moved to the coasts and now the coasts and the south are screwed. See you losers up here in a few years when your dumb houses burn down.” Climate experts agree that the US will see a steady increase in extreme weather conditions in…

Pictured: An unhinged nightmare.
Pictured: Unhinged nightmare.

UNITED STATES — Friends and family of Jeffery Madison have begun to worry that the 29-year-old background actor has become mentally unstable.

“The tipping point for me was when he bought that jackalope taxidermy and acted all proud of it as if he shot it,” Devin Marcus, 28, Madison’s friend and fellow extra stated in a group chat to their other friends, “There’s something about a dead rabbit with a dead antelope’s horns spot glued on its head that is remarkably unsettling.”

The jackalope is considered a “rogue taxidermy” because it is art made from deceased animals beyond simply the…

Pictured: The result of water maintenance employee Brenda Fling, 44, turning off the water for a two-block stretch of buildings because she “hadn’t done it in a while.”

CHICAGO, IL — Two full blocks of Lakeview residents were stunned to find that their water was shut off by the city without warning Tuesday afternoon. “I realized I hadn’t turned the water off in a while,” Brenda Fling, 44, a water maintenance employee for the city of Chicago told local news, “So I turned it off just because I hadn’t done it in a while. It was fun. I love turning the water on and off.” The water was reportedly turned off for over seven hours. Many people who work from home were unable to use the bathroom or…

Pictured: Some of the 14,000 Airbnb guests all attempting a key hand-off with the same host.

UNITED STATES — Airbnb, the popular and affordable travel stay app that connects travelers with hosts for temporary room rentals around the world, has offered free accommodations for 20,000 Afghan refugees.

“I thought it was a great idea,” Gina Dawn, 33, Airbnb host and marketing assistant told local news outlets, “But I only have a small room added onto my place that can hold like four people maximum. Literally, 14,000 people came to my office to get the keys while I was working.”

The United States has been widely criticized for the disorganized, inefficient, and cold handling of its withdrawal…

Austin Mooney

Comedy Writer

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